Dear God,

I come to you today with an open heart and hands stretched out to thee.  I want to thank you for everything that you have done in my life and that you are doing in my life.

When I had my first mental breakdown there are some things that I don’t remember.  Where was I at to be in such state that doctors, nurses, and family have a conversation with you and you are sitting there thinking what are they talking about? The things that I do remember it amazes me that I was in such a deep state that I begged my ex-boyfriend to admit me into the state mental institution and come back in three years to get me.

It amazes me to think that I started running outside and mom said Nessa go and get here. I don’t know what set me off but I was somewhere thinking why is he chasing after me, he’s going to kill me when all along it was my aunt.  Where did my mind go?

It amazes me how I heard some guy said go and put your phone number under the flower outside and I went and did it. Where was my mind at?

It amazes me how I loose track of time when I have a nervous breakdown, how I go in and out of conscience or drop degrees of consciences and come back as a totally different person and the question is always the same that I ask my aunt or the doctor, where did I just go, why don’t I remember.

I took a lot of hits but I never ducked or dodged because you were too quick.  I put up with a lot and guess what I finally realized that it wasn’t my fault.  No matter what I did whether it was right or wrong I was going to get beat.  If you were in a good mood or bad mood I was going to get hit. I don’t know what was worse the constant reminder every time I have to go to the hospital because of an illness I got from the beating or how you left to set me free.

domesti

I know an ex is an ex for a reason but I had been with you for what seemed like half of my life and I had so much faith in you. I’m okay with the fact that you didn’t come get me when I asked you to. it took me awhile to get to the point when I had forgiven you for it. I figured that since I put my life on the line every day of the week for you that you would do the same for me.  Since you were the one who taught me about loyalty you just sliced my heart into more broken pieces. Everything seemed to go downhill when I was thinking things were okay.  Just like the abusive relationship I had to let go of our relationship and stop expecting things from you.  If I never got it then why the hell am I expecting it now? loyality

I know  I had been gone for four years and I just returned unexpectedly. You got used to me not being there and when I came back it was like I was a complete stranger to you. I remember you showing me pictures of people and asking me if I knew who they were and every time you asked your voice got louder and I was thinking I don’t remember I can still hear lol.  We’ve discussed this but I was hurt by so many things that I didn’t understand why people were making my nervous breakdown more frequently and it was coming from family.  It was to the point where Aunt L, said don’t call them anymore and the psychiatrist saying you can’t ever go to  Dayton. All I knew was if it was anyone of you I would have dropped everything and said this is the plan and this is what we are going to do. I just wouldn’t have cut you off and let you fend for yourself. There’s a lot of things that I don’t understand and for some reason, God doesn’t want me to understand.  Our relationship is fine where it is now but we can’t bring back four years.

isthiswhat

Dear God,

I use to want to know everything but now I am okay with you not revealing it to me. Sighing, some things aren’t meant for me to know. I’m glad that I don’t look like what I went through.  You have brought me a mighty long way and I appreciated all the things that you pulled me out of.  All the roller-coaster rides I have been on, the twist and turns have taught me about patience and how to be a stronger person than what I was the day before. You changed me and cleaned me up and restored my soul.  When I cried you caught all my tears, You turned my frown into a smile and you gave me a clean fresh start.  Thank you for all that you do for me on a daily basis.

god-is-love

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